Dear McDonald’s: I, and burger fans the world over are salivating at the prospect of your new Signature Collection of made-to-order gourmet hamburgers. You’ve told us that these new burgers will be freshly prepared and thicker than ever; developed with the assistance of chefs from Michelin-starred restaurants. They sound delicious, and are surely a strong gesture toward regaining some of the market share you’ve lost to fast-casual burger upstarts Shake Shack and Five Guys. Frankly though, I worry if I’ll ever get the chance to taste one.
Please McDonald’s, I beg of you: do not make your burgers too good, or the Hamburglar will be more tempted to burgle than ever before. That bastard lives to steal even your everyday low-grade hamburgers, and there’s no telling the depths to which he’ll stoop in order to burgle a McDonald’s hamburger that tastes any better. Burgers as premium as those you’ve promised would be catnip to a fiend such as he.
This is not to victim blame or suggest that you are somehow asking to be burgled, but it is hard not to feel like you are underestimating the Hamburglar’s hamburger burglary skills- especially at McDonald’s. Look at the Arch Deluxe. The McLean Deluxe. The Batman Forever Triple-Double Burger. Each a marginally better tasting premium McDonald’s burger; each ignobly burgled away before its time.
Compounding my concern is the fact that the Hamburglar has been spotted as recently as this past spring, now sporting a whole five fingers- all the better to burgle with.
Imagine an Ocean’s Eleven style team of McDonaldLand rogues: The Grimace, Captain Crook, those meddling Fry Kids- all led by the Hamburglar himself in a stunningly well-orchestrated burger heist the likes of which would leave your restaurant- and law-abiding burger lovers everywhere- reeling. Mere speculation? If only. By recklessly announcing your Signature Collection burgers to the world, you’ve basically guaranteed such a catastrophe.
McDonald’s, do not tempt the Hamburglar. Do not give him the satisfaction. Do not try to outsmart him, do not engage. The “kind of shitty but good when you’re drunk or nowhere that takes debit cards is open” caliber burgers you’ve spent fifty years perfecting have kept this monster sated, and there’s no reason to tease him out of hiding with better quality food.
Also, you’ll never be as good as Shake Shack.