A Letter From Chipotle To Our Valued Customers:
There is nothing we value more here at Chipotle than our customers. So, when we say “Oops”, we mean it. We “Oops’d up” bad. We set out to craft, “Food With Integrity” but can’t deny the fact that food-borne illnesses got into our tasty meats and fajita veggies. We know we did wrong and we want you back.
So, starting today, if you go into any Chipotle in North America, we will let you fuck the guacamole. No purchase necessary. You can fuck it as hard as you like.
We’ve given out free burritos in the past, but that didn’t bring you back. Our numbers, and our stock price, have fallen as a result. It wasn’t enough of an incentive so we’re willing to double down on our commitment to you, our customers. On your next lunch break, walk into any of our industrial-chic restaurants, find a team member, and tell them you’d like to fuck a big pile of guac. If you happen to buy a burrito afterwards, thank you. If not, you can still “Mash the ‘Cado.”
You can fuck the guacamole in a bowl, inside a warm tortilla or we can put a little guacamole in each of three hard taco shells and you can fuck those. This fucking is in no way gender specific, we will make sure that women and men alike can get their rocks off into a mess of avocados, red onion, cilantro, jalapenos, lime, and kosher salt.
We know that you have always wanted to fuck the guacamole. Survey after survey after survey has made that abundantly clear. It ranked much higher than food safety as your top priority. You see that big pile of green mush and think, “It’d be like fucking a sexy alien” or “I bet that heap is just the right temperature for my genitals.” We just thought it would NEVER be appropriate, but we were wrong. At this point, we assume we’re always wrong.
We hope this small gesture goes a long way towards bringing you back into the Chipotle family. As a side note, don’t bring your kids into Chipotle for a while? Things are going to get weird.
Image via PAUL J. RICHARDS/AFP/Getty Images