Christ here, hello.

You’ve undoubtedly heard about the recent atrocity involving the Duggar clan (made famous for the TLC show 19 Kids and Counting), where the family hid the fact that their eldest son Josh molested five little girls. The Duggars are devout followers of the Christian faith, and Josh has humbly asked me (Christ) for forgiveness.

And I’ve heard his words. But just… I can’t. Not this one.

It is true that I’m a forgiving God. But Josh Duggar is a straightup monster. He molested five little girls. Four of whom were his sisters. While they were sleeping. Come on. What kind of God would I be if I forgave something like that? I’ve forgiven a lot of people (Chris Brown, Genghis Khan, the mean dinosaurs), but I have to draw the line somewhere.

I’m sorry to make an example out of him, but someone has to. To Josh I say, “You knew it was bad when you did it, and then you went ahead and did it anyway. Work with me here. You can’t expect me to forgive you for that just because you asked.”

And trust me, he’s asked. Josh Duggar has left me more voicemails than my mom does before I get on a plane. I am a loving God, but I am NOT a pushover. You hear me? That is the word of God. Write it down. Find a pen, I’ll wait.

I’m pissed that my name is being dragged into this. God, this whole Duggar family has sent me into a rage spiral. I had to put away the internet for a few hours, it made me so upset. It’s SO easy to not molest someone. Most people go their whole lives without molesting anyone. I mean Josh, come on. How is it easier for you to wear the same outfit every day for 40 years than it is to not molest your five-year-old sister?

And don’t tell me one more time about how “he was young.” He was fifteen. Uh-uh. WAY too old for that shit. If you’re allowed to drive, you’re old enough to know pedophilia is a no-no. Oh, and the parents knew about it. And it happened so many times. And no one cares how this affected the victims!

Breathe. I need to breathe. Whooooo boy.

I’m the leader of the most popular religion in the world. I listen to my people, and (I shouldn’t be telling you this but ugh, whatever) more people are praying for you to go to hell than they are for me to forgive you. By a wiiiide margin. I even spoke to the guy downstairs (S-A-T-A-N) and he was hesitant about letting you in.

Sayonara, Josh. You’re on your own. Amen and may Me be with you.


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