shutterstock_18103141Going to college can be a great experience, but also a scary one. As college freshmen across the country start their first semester, here are some helpful tips to establish dominance in those all-important first couple of weeks.

– Urinate on everything in your dorm room. What do you think all that beer is for in college? From the microfridge to your new roommate’s The Big Lebowski poster, let them know who is boss on that first day and that everything belongs to one person: YOU!!!

– First day of your first class, make sure you shank your professor. Whether it is a shaved down spoon from the cafeteria or a beer opener you picked up from Bed, Bath and Beyond, as long as you give them a couple quick jabs right below the ribcage and a scar they will never forget, you have done your job. Word will spread like wildfire to not mess with you!

– By any means necessary, take control of the table by the grilled cheese station in the cafeteria. No matter how much blood is spilled, it must be done. This prime location will allow you to watch over all your future minions, as well as have direct access to those buttery pillows of cheesy goodness.

– Throw a pizza party! Everybody loves pizza. And there is no better way to make new friends than to throw a big ole’ soda and pizza blowout. Just make sure you….

– Put heroin in the pizza. All of your new “friends” will be addicted to smack. No pizza they ever have again will taste as good. They will crave the pizza that only you can provide. Then you will truly have them in the palm of your hands. To do your bidding and serve your will!

– Start a cult! Sure it might be hard work, but it will be fun work. Just make sure you base it on something everyone can get behind, like endless partying or beer drinking. And give it something fun like Greek letters for a name. And once you have established it, you are just one step from being a suicide cult. Then the real control begins!

– Never go to classes! What good is that going to do for you in the social hierarchy? Classes are for weaklings. Learning will only hinder you. The college experience is about power and destruction. Never forget that!

– Always keep your eyes peeled for other people who have read this article. These helpful hints are not just for you. They are for a wide audience so there will always be someone who has the same ideas in their mind as you do. And only one person can truly dominate a campus. Sniff them out and take them down. There can be only one!

Geoff Garlock is a writer in NYC who teaches sketch comedy at the UCB. You can sample his wares at UCB’s monthly show, “Night Late” or @GGarlock.

Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.