I believe it was William Shakespeare who wrote, “If you put an infinite number of Russian bears at an infinite number of Russian laptops, they will eventually re-create the 33,000 deleted emails from Hillary Clinton’s private server.”
Well, turns out, we didn’t need an infinite number of bears. Just a few who are really good at internet.
And hey, you know me. I’m the first to admit when one of my “crazy” theories didn’t pan out. Mayonnaise isn’t just curdled milk. Bruce Willis hasn’t actually been dead the whole time for his multi-decade Hollywood career. And it turns out, Sarah was sick the other day. I went to her house, and she looked terrible. Get better, Sarah.
But after reading the latest batch leaked emails, it’s finally been confirmed: the Russian hackers are definitely bears!
Just check out their latest memo:
Hillary Clinton is a fascist, crooked liar who has never once, during her 30 years of public service, provided our country with raw salmon or large trees we can scratch our backs against.
Read that last part closely: raw salmon and trees to scratch yourselves on. Who else would write that besides bears? No idea.
Also, that picture they tweeted out of a bunch of bears crowding around a laptop, clumsily pawing at the keyboard, was pretty convincing. I pride myself on one thing: being able to tell the difference between bears and hackers in bear costumes. Those were bears.