After months of Republican campaigning about the so-called “real America,” media members finally learned what that magical sector of the United States actually is: a members-only golf club owned by Donald Trump.

“I needed to take a break from all the mouthbreathing schleps I see on the campaign trail every day, always trying to shake my hand with their dirty, germy paws,” Trump said. “So I decided to visit Real America, and let me tell you, it’s just as gorgeous as ever.”


Real America is one of the premier golf courses in the country, according to Trump Greens magazine. Boasting the nation’s only “champagne traps,” this par-72 course features Cadillac golf carts and grass-eating alpacas instead of noisy lawnmowers.

“Everyone is welcome in my Real America, provided they are above the $650,000 yearly income threshold and are recommended by no fewer than three of our white members,” said Trump, who shot a 105 but recorded a 74.

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