Well, it’s been almost 4 months since Jennifer Lawrence’s nude photos were leaked on the internet, and I haven’t masturbated to them once. You’d think by now someone would have recognized this achievement, or even publicly commended me for it, but at this point it seems like I’m restraining myself for no reason at all.

I’m not like all you other horn-balls. I’m respectful of a person’s right not to be masturbated to. Even if that person is very famous celebrity with very sexy photos that I like to look at now and again. I have a lot of self-control. Those photos absolutely give me a boner and I’ve never ONCE touched it. I need my respectfulness to be publicly acknowledged or I’m gonna scream.

It would be so easy for me to masturbate to those photos in the privacy of my own car and just never tell anybody. But I haven’t. I just look at them, enjoy them, then exit the private browsing mode on my phone without going further — because I’m a good person.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to hold the moral high ground when no one, and I mean NO ONE, acknowledges your superiority? It is about as hard as it is tempting to masturbate to those photos, which is “very” in both cases.

Do you know how many of my friends have masturbated to those nude pictures? ALL OF THEM. That’s all they talk about, all the time. Oh, I WANTED to masturbate to them. Every day of my life. There were some days I had to shut off my car completely and take a breather. And I would remind myself, “What kind of person do you want to be? The kind of person who masturbates to photos that weren’t intended for you to masturbate to? No. I’m better than that. I will respectfully peruse nude pics stolen from adults, but I only MASTURBATE to intentional pornography.

We have to ask ourselves what kind of a society we want to be. A group of savages, genitals in hand, vigorously masturbating every time the private photos of an attractive celebrity are leaked on the internet. Or a compassionate, sophisticated people, who can appreciate these hot illicit photographs like adults — that means no masturbating.

I know what world I want to live in.


POINT: I STILL Haven’t Looked at Jennifer Lawrence’s Nude Pics And No One’s Giving Me Any Credit For It

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