Two of America’s most formidable goobers have joined forces to halt Donald Trump’s march to The White House. Ted Cruz and John Kasich, the heroes we neither need nor deserve, do not fear and do not respect, have decided to unite and throw a wrench into the GOP electoral machine. There’s just one problem: they can’t agree who is ‘the Batman’.

cruz batman

“I love to be the Robin, I’m just a little tweety Robin in a nest of spun sugar, isn’t Ted?” – Senator Ted Cruz

“See Trump is like Bane and I’m like Batman and then Ted, well, he’s my Robin,” remarked John Kasich when announcing the new partnership. Kasich’s remark drew ire from the Cruz camp with one high-placed staffer commenting, “Ted is obviously Batman. He’s got more delegates and the pert, full nipple to fill out the Clooney-style bat suit. We’ve all seen John’s nipples, they’re not even big at all.”


Cruz himself stayed mum on the controversy until Monday morning. “Here’s the thing,” a giggly Ted Cruz whispered to reporters during his early morning potty break, “I want to be Robin. I like to be the baby when Heidi and me play house. I’m just a silly boy made of paper and wishes. I love to lose at arm wrestling, it makes my pants tight.”

When asked to comment on the fracas, Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton replied, “I don’t have time for this. The American middle class is disappearing, our health care is the most costly in the world and I’m obviously Batman, Bernie is the Joker and Bill is Alfred. Thank you and God bless America.”

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