Hello, good people of the GOP. I feel that I have done everything you asked of me. I told gay people that they’re ruining American families. I let women know that their ability to get an abortion is dependent on what white male politicians think.

And as the cherry on top, I finally endorsed the Republican nominee Donald J. Trump for president. And yet here I sit, all alone, in the GOP cafeteria. I just don’t understand, guys.

We had an agreement: I relinquish the spine I had been pretending to have, and in exchange you let me sit at the cool table, with Paul Ryan, Paul Ryan’s personal trainer, Ivanka, and Donald Trump’s golf instructor.

Instead I’m here poking at my plate of peas. I can hear you snickering behind me, Reince Priebus!


Hey! Was that a spitball? Stop it, you guys. This isn’t funny. You better knock that off, or I’m gonna — I’m gonna… I’ll un-endorse Trump. Don’t think I won’t!

Yeah, then where will you be? All 11 people in this country who still think I have credibility will absolutely pull their support for Trump. Sure, they’re all in Texas where Trump is going to win in a landslide no matter what, but you’ll feel the difference. Oh ho, you’ll feel it. No you won’t. I’m sad. These peas are gross.

Oh darnit, who loosened the lid on this salt shaker? Reince!!!

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