With organic and chemical pollution as rampant as ever, America is rightfully on high alert for contaminants in the fluids we drink and bathe in. Even bottled water isn’t safe from pollution by domestic sewage, with traces of disease-producing bacteria like fecal coliform found in many brands of store-bought water- and the presence of these pathogens just got even more disturbing. Based on samples collected from several major American urine jars, there are dangerously high levels of feces in the urine we drink every day.
“It’s not good news,” said Dr. Ben Levendusky, raising a jar of warm, dandelion-yellow urine to his lips and sipping slowly. “These high levels of fecal coliform bacteria indicate without a doubt the presence of human or animal fecal matter in the drinking urine that average Joes like you or I enjoy each day in this country.” Licking the foamy urine mustache from his upper lip and smiling contentedly, Levendusky continued “Average Janes too, of course. We just don’t know what the future holds.”
Some Americans are cautiously optimistic about the future of potable drinking urine. Linda Kovaliv, a graduate student, believes government fail-safes will inevitably keep the nation’s drinking urine safe for consumption. “Every few years there’s a scare like this” said Kovaliv, sipping cloudy, mustard-colored urine from a jar. “And the fear of drinking an unsafe amount of feces is valid. But it is these very scares that keep us vigilant in ensuring the quality of our drinking urine for generations to come.” Kovaleiv then drank the remainder of her jar of urine very fast, and kissed her fingers like a cartoon Italian chef on a pizza box.
Until further testing is complete, Dr. Levendusky suggests that urine-thirsty Americans of every state begin filling their urine jars in the kitchen instead of the bathroom, and abstain from drinking urine that smells noticeably of feces.