– Part your lips and bare your teeth in a “smile” to indicate you enjoy the company of your human mate.

– Body language matters! Touching your neck suggests flirtation; rolling your eyes back and sticking your tongue out suggests you’re dead.

– Wait til you’ve met her mom to send a dick pic.

– Just be yourself! Except hide the embarrassing details, dress up nice, and laugh at his jokes even if they aren’t funny. Actually don’t be yourself at all.

– No one’s perfect! Except Dr. Samantha Troutflask of Bend, Oregon.

– Be realistic with your expectations. Don’t expect to find a handsome prince on a white stallion. Be willing to accept that the stallion might just be brown.

– If he can’t handle you at your worst he doesn’t deserve you at your best so save time by being your worst on the first date.

– Spice things up in the bedroom with some sexy lingerie filled with spices.

– Communication is key. Be upfront and clear with your partner about why you hate them.


– Don’t go to bed angry. But if that’s not possible then at least don’t go to bed sober.

– Skip the bar scene and go somewhere unexpected on your date! Like the bushes outside a little league soccer game!

– Wear some sexy underwear. Being super uncomfortable sometimes looks like confidence!

– Be a good person and not a horrible disgusting selfish monster! Just a thought!

– If things are getting steamy in the bedroom, double check to make sure you are not actually in a sauna.

– When preparing for a first date wax your butt cuz dude you never know.

– Only one man in human history was ever “ready for a relationship.” His name was Frank and he died in 1988 due to complications from pneumonia.

– Give up!

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