Finally, the two most important decisions of our lives have been announced and this year’s picks may surprise you. For the sought-after cover of their Sexiest Man Alive issue, People magazine has chosen the 2016 Chevy Camaro. And as their “Car of The Year,” “the most coveted award since 1949,” Motor Trend magazine has chosen retired soccer player David Beckham.
Motor Trend editor-in-chief, Edward Loh, says the staff were surprised by their own choice of David Beckham out of a lineup of seven finalists, including the Audi TT, BMW 7 Series, Honda Civic, Mazda MX-5 Miata, Mercedes-Benz GT S and Toyota Mirai. But according to Loh, Beckham is a revolutionary car, “built for driving and soccer enthusiasts.”
“David Beckham is over 2,000 lbs lighter than any of the cars we’ve ever had on the cover. He flaunts a skin-covered skeleton with two, 3’ 6”-long legs, automatically regenerating stubble and a turbo-charged butt. He has V-8 pack abs for optimal sexual stimulation while driving. Plus, David Beckham is one of the most intelligent cars we tested. With a fully integrated natural language user interface, David Beckham can respond to most simple questions much like a human being.”
For their part, People magazine said the 2016 Chevy Camaro was a no-brainer for this year’s Sexiest Man Alive. Said editor Stephanie Bort: “Talk about sexy – I just want to climb on top of that hood and slide down it. We were considering Chris Pratt, but 2016 Chevy Camaro really caught our attention with its four big tires, 455-horsepower engine and leather interior. Plus, it’s technically not even on the market yet, so it’s got this hot, unattainable quality. Every woman in America wants to get run over by this car.”
So there you have it, America. Two important magazine covers and the two big, steaming, shiny heaps of metal, skin and blood that will grace them. Feel free to jerk off to both of them.