Hey, um, U.S. government? Can you come here for a sec? We need to talk. Actually, not you, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, I don’t need to talk to you. And you can go too, Barbara Boxer. Actually most of the women can leave, I really just need to talk to the old white men. Yeah, Marco Rubio I know you’re not old or white but definitely stay. What’s that, Mitch McConnell? No, I don’t want to find a private room to talk. Here, on the internet where everyone can see, is good.

Ok, so, now that you’re all here: I heard that on Thursday the Defense Department opened all combat positions to women. Hey, that’s cool, it’s sort of a step in the right direction. But, and don’t take this the wrong way, is that really the best you can do on the whole equal rights front? Let me serve in combat? Haha, if I didn’t know any better I’d say you’re trying to dream up new ways to kill women! But you’re not…right?

Look before you flip out, I only ask because women have asked for a lot of things – equal pay, maternity leave, child care, an end to workplace discrimination, access to reasonable, affordable healthcare. And those are just the female-specific things! Like, our list is pretty long. The specific right to fight in a combat zone was on the list somewhere but not suuuuper high up. There are already enough ways for women to die in America, I’m not sure opening up more gateways to death was a massive priority.

Now, I’m not saying we don’t WANT equal treatment in the military. We do, for sure. But I personally would rather have, say, pay equality or even greater access to affordable Pap smears and –

Wait, what? On Thursday, the same day you made it ok for me to serve in combat, you also passed a bill to defund Planned Parenthood? You’re making it easier for me to die in a war while making it harder for me to NOT die from cancer. No, I don’t want to fight, it just seems like you maybe don’t want me or any women around anymore.

Uh, U.S. government, why are you slowly advancing on me with those increasing maternal mortality rates clutched in your hand? And why is the NFL here? U.S. Government, you’re scaring me. This conversation is OVER. Stay away from me, you psycho. And tell tell Ted Cruz to stop calling me, panting and hanging up. I know it’s him and he’s freaking me out too.

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