The tech world is freaking out today – news broke that the next version of the iPhone probably won’t include a headphone jack. That’s right, the iPhone is getting rid of one of its most beloved features in its eternal quest to be thinner. Let me be the first to say directly: iPhone, this obsession with weight and thinness has gone too far. You have been rapidly losing weight and we’re all worried.

When you first came out you were gorgeous – thicker, rounder, lovely. Everyone loved you. You looked like a real phone, something we could cradle in our palms and throw in our bags without the fear that you’ll snap in half like a damn twig.


You were a BBiP (big beautiful iPhone). What went wrong?

Then fame hit. There were lines to buy you, the pressure was intense. And you started getting thinner. At first it looked good – you looked sleek and healthy. You edges were a little less round but you were still discernibly a cell phone.

iphone 3 gen

You lost weight but still looked HEALTHY. You could have stopped here.


Recently your weight loss has been alarming. To be completely frank you look ill and you’re scaring us. I can practically fit my hand all the way around your middle. You’re losing buttons, getting flatter and flatter – it just doesn’t look good. Who are you trying to compete with, paper? Paper is made to be that thin; paper isn’t a phone. I can’t call Singapore on paper. I can’t play Kim Kardashian: Hollywood on paper. I can’t sext on paper. We don’t want you to be paper! We want you to be the beautiful, full-bodied, functional phone you were meant to be.


Where did you go, iPhone?

Please, iPhone: End this obsession with thinness. We love you just the way you are.

Also, why would you ever get rid of the headphone jack?! Don’t make me buy new headphones, come ON. I truly don’t get it, this makes no sense, just stop it. God.

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