Dear Wawa: If you’d asked me yesterday if I was fan of your convenience stores, I’d have said, “yes of course, and my son is allowed to go there whenever he pleases.” That was until tonight, when I came home to find my boy Maurence toying with a lighter (an all-time forbidden plaything) in our driveway. After wrestling it away from the boy, I asked him where he got it. Once the shrieks and denials subsided, he told me: he bought it at your store. What the H, Wawa?
Maurence may not have any money to buy lighters, and he may be a disturbed boy with a history of stealing things and starting small fires, but there’s one thing he is not- and that is a liar. I believe my son, and WILL be blaming you for this. So here’s the deal: you’re gonna tell me which one of you bastards sold my son a lighter, and then that particular bastard and I are gonna have a long and serious talk about what’s appropriate for Wawa to sell to children. (Here’s a hint: lighters aren’t on the list! Energy drinks are okay, though.)
Someone’s in big trouble here, and it sure isn’t my son who has been kicked out of two Montessori schools for lighting fires. You should count yourself lucky I’m not getting the police involved, which I certainly came very close to doing when Kroger, 7-11, and On The Run all sold lighters to my little Maurence in the past. When I caught him with a lighter (that time in our living room) last month, I was shocked to learn that even Burger King had sold my son a lighter, which is crazy seeing as how Burger King doesn’t even sell lighters, but then again, they must use something to light their grills and that’s where Maurence said he got it from so I believe him. I guess I just expected better from Wawa. That’s a mistake I won’t make again!
Wawa, you best come clean with me now before I shake it out of you. Young boys don’t just magically get lighters, even if they’ve proven themselves uncanny shoplifters with zero respect for authority time and time again. If you’re incapable of manning-up and apologizing to my family, then the least you can do is hook us up with some energy drink coupons, particularly Monster or NOS. Those are Maurence’s favorite.