“Vaguebooking” is the new internet phenomenon that’s been sweeping the nation. I did some research and according to my 15-year-old stepbrother, Vaguebooking is when a friend posts an ambiguous status on Facebook to get attention. Frustrating, right? Fortunately for you, I’m on the case. I asked you to send me your most mysteriously infuriating Vaguebook statuses to decode their meanings:
Shakespeare was right when he said, “Brevity is the soul of mysterious-ness.”
Here’s what “it” probably is: a promotion, loan money to start a smoothie place, the game ball, their groove back, literally “It” from the Addams Family, a supporting role in a Broadway musical, a curable STD, a cool hat.
Okay, here’s what I can glean from this: Something happened to this person that was so horrible they couldn’t mention the specifics, but not so horrible that they weren’t going to post about it on Facebook. This also has a very “political apology” vibe to it. Here’s my theory:
In the last few months your friend became a senator, had inappropriately sexual e-mail correspondence with a page, and are now publicly apologizing to their constituents for setting a poor leadership example and taking advantage of a young person in a powerless position.
According to Einstein, the definition of insanity is doing something over and over again, the same way, and expecting a different result. I like to go with the first thought that pops into my head, so here’s my explanation: your friend probably tried getting a nail in the wall by blowing on it as hard as they could. When that didn’t work, they kept blowing on it and thinking “Why isn’t this working? I’ve been blowing air on this nail for like, 30 minutes.” Insane, right? Exactly.
WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT STORY?!? JUST… GIVE US ANY INFORMATION, DEAR GOD.
Give your friend the benefit of the doubt: there’s always a chance that whatever they did was very public, and you just missed the news coverage, which is why they aren’t explaining themselves. If I had to guess what they did by taking the temperature of the news (violence, art, travel), I’m following my gut and guessing they punched that glass pyramid at the Louvre. Not only would they NOT do that again, but they COULDN’T do that again. I am most confident about this answer.
This status is tough because it doesn’t have verbs. To parse this one out, I took the sentence to a linguistics specialist who told me to “Get out of my office, how did you get past security?” Not a problem, though, because I continued on myself. From the tone, I sensed your friend seems annoyed and inarticulate, which is how I came to the conclusion that this, 100%, is a very funny quote from Clueless.
Take this mystery off the grill, ‘cause it’s done.
This makes me nervous. I want to assume your friend is being overdramatic, but I also don’t want to dismiss this and then later regret it after they’ve done something crazy. Just like… reach out to them.
Not gonna dig into this one.
I call this one the Valley Girl, ‘cause it has a TON of “likes.” Two parts to this bad boy:
“Going into the most important day of my life.”
The most important day of anyone’s life is their Bat Mitzvah, no ambiguity there.
“Cross your fingers for me!”
This one was so easy it was a little embarrassing. Don’t read between the lines; your friend literally can’t cross their fingers. They’re pleading for you to cross their fingers FOR them.
I’m just grateful I was able to get these people some answers.
You’re welcome, world!