After the sudden death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia last week, politicians from across the aisle gathered in the dining room at Four Seasons near the U.S. Capitol to feast on his corpse and gain the necessary calories to fuel their political agendas. Scalia, who was appointed to the court by President Ronald Reagan in 1986, was slow-roasted with a tangy barbecue sauce and served with freshly-baked dinner rolls. So guests could make little sandwiches.

“It’s important we use his memory… and especially those delicious center cut chops, to inflate the political philosophy we’ve chosen as most advantageous to our careers,” said Senator Ted Cruz.

Democrats spoke at the luncheon (hosted by Donald Rumsfeld) about how they plan to hold up Scalia’s meat-speckled skeleton as an example of, “Exactly what who don’t want on the Supreme Court.” Republicans, who will get the still warm bones on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays plan to parade the corpse around as a, “Titan of the constitutional law,” and added that Scalia, “Wrote beautifully, defended the integrity of this nation against unwanted change, and goes really well with a cilantro-garlic sauce.

No objection here, he's tasty

No objection here, he’s tasty

The only awkward moment (in an otherwise harmonious meal) was when the very last piece of Scalia’s remains was sitting in the middle of the table. It was a piece of his stomach, some of the tenderest meat, with a thick layer of fat that had caramelized under the broiler. Marco Rubio argued that he deserved it because he had gotten hardly any, “Scalia belly” since the that portion of the carcass was closer to the Democratic side of the table. Bernie Sanders argued back that he had been in the bathroom and hardly had any Scalia at all. Bernie also said he deserved the sustenance more because of how much he planned to flaunt Scalia’s bigoted court decisions as evidence that we need a Democrat making the upcoming Supreme Court appointments.

In the end, the Scalia was cut in half and both Bernie and Marco got to enjoy the flavorful fat of the associate judge from Trenton, New Jersey.


Image via Reuters. 

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