Jeez, God must really have it out for that gorilla! Just days after being shot dead by Cincinnati zookeepers when a child entered his enclosure, Harambe the Gorilla has been mauled to death all over again by fellow shooting victim Cecil the Lion — almost immediately after arriving in animal heaven.

The sad news comes courtesy of my cousin Levon, whose heart stopped for three minutes after being electrocuted and was accidentally sent to animal heaven instead of human heaven but was sent back to Earth when the koala bear version of St. Peter realized the error. Levon saw the whole thing go down.

“Straight up, when I got there I was like ‘Oh damn, St. Peter is a koala bear?’ And the koala bear was all like, ‘Uhhh, uh-oh, you shouldn’t be here because you’re a human, but hold up while I let Harambe the Gorilla in.’ So Harambe walks like, five feet past the gate, and that motherfuckin’ lion mauls his ass like, instantly. I was like ‘daaamn!’ but then I got sucked to human heaven, and then my heart started beating again and I came back to life.”

KOALA ST PETER

Artist rendering of animal heaven’s St. Peter.


 

While there’s no telling if Harambe died all over again in animal heaven, Levon adds that he’s happy that he didn’t stick around to find out. “I’m glad I didn’t end up stuck in animal heaven. In my heaven, there are definitely no lions!”

This very good point then raises the question that maybe Harambe and Cecil (and my cousin Levon) were not in animal heaven, but rather in animal hell for failing to accept Jesus Christ– who is an emperor penguin– as their personal savior.

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