Hey everyone, sorry for the mass email. I was only half-listening to Obama’s press conference, and I didn’t seem to catch one detail: When, exactly, is he planning to come over to take all of our guns?
I got the basic gist of the speech: President Barack Obama, after years of pretending that he would not take our guns, is finally going to take our guns. He is going to physically enter our homes, confiscate whatever firearms we possess, and then melt them down into their component parts as part of an enormous bonfire on the White House Lawn.
All of that came through loud and clear, and was reported faithfully by the extremely limited set of news sites I read and AM radio hosts I feverishly listen to.
But I don’t remember hearing a specific time of day for when Obama and his jackbooted federales, drunk on executive power, would arrive to demand our guns. Did anyone happen to jot that part down?
Was it a time range — say, 9AM to 5PM — when President Obama and his militaristic brigade of rude and sweaty gun confiscators are going to batter down our doors? Or are we getting an appointment time, like at the dentist, for when Obama will storm into our living rooms and insist we surrender our weapons to him?
Is there a website we can sign on to, where we can choose a time slot for Obama’s brutal seizure of our guns? Will this gun seizure website be compatible with GCal? What about Outlook? Will I be able to forward the appointed time to my contacts, in case I want to invite guests over for cocktails & hors d’oeuvres when Obama comes to take my guns?
Will Obama only take my guns during official governmental working hours, or is the process of taking guns so extraordinary that it may occur at any time? Might it happen in the dead of night? In winter, or in summer? On a Sunday? On Columbus Day? Surely Obama wouldn’t take our guns on Columbus Day, right?
Will Obama call us when he is, I don’t know, ten minutes away, to let us know that he is on our way for our guns? That he’s just going to stop to get some coffee, and then he’ll be right over, to take away our guns?
Do we have to be in our homes when Obama comes to take away our guns, or can we just leave the front door unlocked? Do I need to take a personal day at work for this? I have a vacation to Tampa planned with the wife and kid at the end of April. Does anyone know if Club Med offers refunds, should we have to cancel due to a Constitutional crisis?
I also heard a rumor that, when Obama barges through our door, we are supposed to be holding at least one gun. This is supposedly so that Obama can personally rip the gun out of our hands. This seems petty, but also totally consistent with both the content of and comments on every piece of media I consume. Can anyone confirm?
Anyway, if anyone can shine some light on what time Obama is coming for our guns, it would be much appreciated.
Thanks everyone, and as always, don’t tread on me!!!
Jason O. Gilbert is a writer whose work has appeared in the New York Times, Slate, McSweeney’s, and many other fine publications. You can follow him on Twitter here.