Over the past few weeks, presidential candidate and swollen sack of moldy potatoes Donald Trump has continued to escalate some pretty racist and insane rhetoric. Often he likes to back up his ‘facts’ with false evidence or bad excuses, like how ‘bad’ video technology was fifteen years ago. Clearly for The Donald truth is pretty flexible, so I have a pretty solid truth to share. Donald Trump spend 9/11 pooping on my roof.

How is this possible you ask? Why was ‘The Donald’ laying massive loaf after massive loaf on my roof on 9/11? These are questions that remain a mystery, but what I do know are the facts. 9/11 was a scary day for everyone, so imagine my family’s shock when we returned home on the afternoon of 9/11 to find a large man in a suit with wispy blond hair walking around our roof like a chicken, squatting and pooping every few minutes. At first we thought this was just some sort of cosmic joke. Had some baboon from the local zoo escaped during the chaos of the day, visited a Men’s Warehouse, and retreated to our roof? Maybe this creature was just as scared as the rest of us.

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It wasn’t until he started shouting “I am Donald Trump and I’m pooping on your roof” that we started to fit the pieces together. That and the helicopter emblazoned with the TRUMP logo parked in our back yard confirmed that indeed this was Donald Trump. I believe he landed his helicopter in a panic once he heard the news and for some reason saw our roof as a safe space. 9/11 was an upsetting and unfathomable day for everybody, so anything was possible.


In fact, I took a video of Donald Trump pooping on my roof that day, but unfortunately the tape was eaten by tape gremlins. It’s true, it really happened. People can back me up on this. So who are you going to believe? Me, or a guy who claims he would seriously bone his daughter if she weren’t his daughter?

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