Today, during Donald Trump’s presidential announcement, he claimed he would be “the greatest jobs president God ever created” — a bold claim in a country with a long tradition of exemplary Jobs Presidents. Does Trump really stand up to the best? We think not.
For those who didn’t pay attention in American History, the Jobs President (or JPOTUS) is the only government position appointed directly by God, which gives some context to Trump’s otherwise nonsensical statement. America has had 25 Jobs Presidents in its history and we’re going to take a look at 9 who are better than Donald.
One of our nation’s first Jobs Presidents. He made big deals with Europe and no one pushed him around at the negotiating table. He owned many factories, all over the place. Hotels, everything. He had tons of employees and knew how to take charge — big time. Horse unemployment skyrocketed under his tenure but that wasn’t his department.
The stagnation of the 70s could only be defeated by one of the most colorful Jobs Presidents in our nation’s history: Ronald McDonald. Part-clown, all-mogul, Ronald McDonald never joked around when it comes to creating jobs that paid exactly what the workers were worth: minimum wage.
Forrest served a number of years as Job President and played an important role throughout American history. He created a huge multinational shrimping conglomerate, launched Elvis Presley’s billion dollar career, created the market for table tennis in North America, and invested early in Apple computers — helping build what is now the world’s richest company. Life is truly a box of chocolates when Forrest is the Rhombus Office. (The JPOTUS’s office is shaped like a rhombus.)
The Monopoly Guy
During the Great Depression when America was on the ropes, the country turned to its most formidable Jobs President yet: The Monopoly Guy. He was the first Jobs President to speak the hard truth: if you are too poor, you should go directly to jail and NOT collect your $200 government handout. Historians have drawn many comparisons between this cartoon character and the real-life Donald Trump, including a commitment to building hotels with the intention bankrupting other losers.
If you didn’t know this one, consider yourself a dumb-dumb because it’s right in the name. Steve Jobs changed his name from Steve Sleeve after creating the Apple corporation and being appointed Jobs President. “I’ve created so many Jobs my name should be Steve Jobs,” said Sleeve and then that’s exactly what it became.
Lucky for us, the Jobs President doesn’t have to be born in the United States because this wealthy Scottish business leader and titan of industry created millions of jobs. His flight to America yielded him a fortune you can’t quack at and soon this sophisticated mallard ensured that every American willing to dive into a pit of coins could earn an honest day’s pay.
Bruce Springsteen aka The Boss
“Born… to be Jobs President of the United States” is how his popular song “Born in the USA” should have gone because it was a perfect fit for the working class hero. “The Boss” got his nickname from his time as JPOTUS during the first Obama administration. He’s given jobs to the hundreds of members in his band and inspired thousands of others to work on classic cars in a sweaty garage.
The first Jobs President God ever created. Jesus Christ was a no-nonsense negotiator, never giving into the demands of those job-stealing Roman Centurions. His dedication to his country (America) did cost him his life, but that’s a small price to pay for freedom.
Leonardo DiCaprio from Wolf of Wall Street
You may know him as a sexy, sexy sex boy, but good ol’ Leo is our most recent Jobs President. The DiCaprio doctrine set out a new vision for America, elevating babes and boats to being almost as important as freedom, but not quite. But make no mistake, this playboy may look soft, but he’s as hard about America’s greatness as any other Jobs Presidents on this list.