On behalf of the entire FAMA (Fake American Medical Association) I, Dr. Sandoval Pepper, would like to speak out on behalf of the world’s many respectable fake doctors. We live in a society where the assumption is, if you didn’t attend medical school but call yourself a doctor, you’re bad news. Dr. Luke is the most recent scumdog thrillionaire to reinforce this concept. Dr. Luke is a music factory foreman/fake doctor who allegedly drugged and assualted singer Kesha. Now don’t get me wrong: the acts Dr. Luke is accused of are despicable. But not all fake doctors are bad!
I’ll be the first to admit, some fake doctors are bad. You’re always going to have your Dr. Evils, your Doc Ocks and your Dr. Robotniks. Generally speaking, cartoon doctors are never the good guys. But you have to look beyond cartoons to find your upstanding, fake doctors. You’ve got entities like me, Dr. Pepper, a kind of soda who is also a doctor. I’m a nice guy! Sure too much of me will give you diabetes and rotten teeth but I’m pleasant, tangy and always pay my taxes on time.
Another example: Dr Dre. To quote Eminem, let’s not ‘forget about Dre!” Dr. Dre is a hugely popular musician and business man who – huh? What’s that you say? Oh, Dr. Dre has a long, well-documented history of violence against women? Hm, ok, scratch that.
Dr. Doolittle! Dr. Doolittle is still ok. Although, he was a vet so I don’t know that he’s really a ‘fake’ doctor. Um, well, there’s Doc from Snow White… although it was never clear whether he was a fake doctor or just a woodland dwarf named “Doc.” Crap. Uhhhhhh…
What about Dr. Frankenstein, huh?! What did he ever do that was so bad besides tampering with the laws of God and man in order to create a freakish simulacrum of human life? OK I GUESS THAT’S PRETTY BAD.
Well I got one: what about fake Dr. Huxtable! You know, played by Bill Cosby, he’s never — NO, why did I even MENTION him? He’s maybe the worst fake doctor of them all, damnit!
Alright, I guess it’s official a red flag to self-identify as a doctor when you’re not a medical doctor. FINE. IT’S A WEIRD THING TO DO, ARE YOU HAPPY? Dr. J, Dr. Who: You guys are on your own. I’m out. Fuck this. I’m just Mr. Pepper from now on.