Hey fellow sentient hamburgers, let this serve as your warning: UberEats is NOT a service for drunk food to get home. I totally thought it was and boy was I wrong. It’s actually a service where Uber drivers get your food and bring it to you. Honestly, a driver service for conscious hamburgers makes more sense to me but, whatever. I hope by sharing my experience other burgers can avoid a similar trauma.

Last week after work, some buddies and I went to a bar near the office, The Disgruntled Fox. It was just one of those nights, I got so hammered for no reason. I had like 5 PBRs and at some point my boy R.J. started buying tequila shots.

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Blowin off my 9 to 5, thought I was gonna have a fun night. Boy was I wrong…

Around 2am I was like, I gotta get out of here or I’ll absolutely ralph. I’d heard about this thing called UberEats and I was like, ‘Finally Uber is catering to burgers like me.’ I decided to try it out.

I ordered a ride (or so I thought) and the app said the wait would be 5 minutes. So I stood on the curb, just watching my driver, Sami, circle the block. After 15 minutes of that he started calling my cell and saying “Where is the burger” and I kept saying, “Me, I’m the burger, right here on the curb.” Then Sami would say “I can’t hear anything, do you have the phone on mute?” So I realized he probably couldn’t speak hamburger. Great.

After about 20 minutes of this, he finally noticed me. He grabbed me (roughly) and threw me in the passenger seat. “Uh, hey man, careful I’m really drunk,” I slurred. Sami totally ignored me and I remembered, right, he doesn’t speak hamburger.


At this point all the tequila was catching up with me and I really had to upchuck. I started to ask him to roll down the windows but before I knew it my lettuce and tomato were eeeeverywhere.

I felt so bad and offered to pay to have the car cleaned. He just kept driving and actually ate one of my pickle off the seat! It was so rude and forward, even in my drunken state I knew something was wrong. When we finally got to my place he buzzed my apartment over and over. Of course no one answered – I was in his hot little hand! Finally, he just kind of tossed me on my doorstep and said “Fuck this, I’m going back to med school.”

At some point I must have passed out though I don’t remember it. A neighbor found me outside the next morning freezing cold.

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This is how my neighbor, Kevario, found me in the morning.

My meat was basically frozen solid and a dog had been licking my bun. She put me in the microwave to get me warm again. When I was feeling stronger I contacted customer service at UberEats but so far no one has replied – big surprise. So be careful out there, fellow burgers. UberEats isn’t what you think it is.

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Spreading the good word to my boys at Chipotle. Dont try UberEats!

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