Like Jack In The Box, Sizzler, and Taco Bell before, Chipotle Mexican Grill has announced that it is temporarily closing dozens of restaurants in the Pacific Northwest as health officials investigate an E. coli outbreak that has sickened at least 22 people. It’s a troubling black-mark against the respected fast-casual chain, but it’s going to take me a lot more than E. coli to keep me from eating Chipotle.

Like, don’t be a food wimp? If it smells weird, just eat around it. Chipotle is consistent and delicious, plus it’s right downstairs. Also, compared to Wendy’s or the pizza place, its the healthiest option around here. My twice-daily carnitas bowls are 1075 calories each, yet I have lost 15lbs this week. This is the sign of good food, and I wish Chipotle had a breakfast menu.

You know that feeling you get when you’re so excited to be eating Chipotle that you start to get all sweaty and cold? I live for that feeling. Or how once you’ve finished eating Chipotle, your insides moan and rumble and make your poop all watery and rust-colored? That rumbling is your insides saying “yo dog, how about some more Chipotle?” and the soupy stool is your body making room for more Chipotle.

Here’s a list of things that have not and will not keep me from eating Chipotle:

1. An E. coli scare.

2. Paying extra for guac.

3. My doctor saying that I eat too much Chipotle.

4. Being banned from the 23rd St. Chipotle back when they introduced Sofritas for standing outside and telling people that the Sofritas taste “like a butt.”

5. When I ask for a cup for water but the counter person catches me filling it up with Pibb XTRA and embarrasses me in front of everyone by asking me to pour it out.

That's that good stuff that makes my insides tight.

That’s that good stuff that makes my insides tight.

Literally the only thing that would stop me from eating Chipotle would be if the company found itself embroiled in a Subway/Jared Fogle-style child sex scandal, but this scenario is very unlikely as I myself am pretty much the pre-child porn scandal Jared Fogle of Chipotle as I live above Chipotle, eat there every day, and am losing a lot of weight from bad diarrhea and vomiting. Additionally, I have no connection to a child sex ring, so if Chipotle wanted to put me in their commercials I would certainly entertain the offer.

Lastly, to the owners of Chipotle Mexican Grill: I am sorry that you had to close a few restaurants, but I wasn’t joking about the breakfast menu idea. You guys should really do that, and it could really help your image in the wake of this whole E. coli debacle. Nothing says “food safety” like eggs.

I Ate Chipotle For 100 Days and Here’s What It Did To My Butthole


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