Hi humans who live on me. Thank you for the well-wishes. Yes, happy Earth Day to you, too. I appreciate the sentiment, but this year I’d really just rather spend Earth Day by myself.

I’ve never been totally comfortable with the day to begin with. It’s just a reminder that I’m another year older and another year closer to being systematically destroyed by oil lobbyists and cosmetics corporations. I purposefully didn’t list it on my Facebook, yet everyone keeps posting, “Happy Earth Day!” I assume everyone remembered the date because it happens every year.

I know, I know. I sound like a grouch. After a while, all the Earth Days just kind of blend together. Which isn’t to say I haven’t had some great Earth Days. The best one was probably when that asteroid hit me and killed off all those stupid dinosaurs. I was so glad to be rid of those lizards stomping and shitting all over me. Earth Day 2004 was fun, too. A few planets and I went to P.F. Chang’s, then after we did karaoke until I got way too drunk and fell asleep. It was awesome. But I’m getting too old for that. I mean, I’m almost 6,000 years old.

Haha, I’m kidding. I’m definitely 4.5 billion years old. A little astrophysics humor for you.


If we’re getting totally honest, a lot of the celebration seems self-serving and anthropocentric. Planting one tree doesn’t make up for the 23,000 square miles of forest you demolish during the other 364 days. Just throw on a t-shirt with a photo of me smiling and hugging myself, and that’s supposed to repair my ozone layer? And the animals! Oh, they’re doing REAL great after you all showed up– Sorry, I went off a little. That’s not what this is about. Another time.

Please, just do me this favor. Over the past 10,000 years, you’ve turned me into a literal pile of flaming garbage. If you really want to do something for Me Day, you’ll leave me alone and let me catch up on Broadchurch, cozied up with some Pad See Ew. Because the closer this can get to just a regular Wednesday, the better.

Thanks.

– The Earth

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