Wow, really? Really, MTA? Your boy El Chapo finally lands a sweet place in Brooklyn and you’re going to shut down the L train for 3 years!? It’s like, I FINALLY get extradited to the U.S., land a place in BK with an elevator and about 50 doormen and you guys tell me the L is shutting down? This officially sucks! Now I gotta escape before this total inconvenience hits and ruins all my plans.

el chapo

Gotta get back in ‘the room where it happens’!

Look, I was always going to try and escape Brooklyn. I love New York, don’t get me wrong. But I have lots of friends in L.A. and frankly, that’s where the action is.

But I thought I had a little time to enjoy the city and the L train is a major part of my escape plan. I was going to find the most vulnerable guard on staff and impress him with my outlaw stories of shoot-outs and high-stakes deals and Sean Penn’s cell number. He would think of me as a father figure. And maybe I would even come to care for him too.

Then I would convince him to bust me out of the correctional facility where I’m being held. I’d pop down to the Flea, pick up my CSA, stop by Cafe Grumpy and get a large cold brew, get on the L to the PATH and disappear somewhere in Jersey. Now there’s a clock running against my plan so I’ve really got to hustle and get on out before that train shuts down. Ugh, I just hope I can get my Shake Shack fix before I inevitably bust out and head west. Fingers crossed!

Images via GettySlate

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