Super Bowl Sunday is right around the corner, so it’s our duty to remind you that the Big Game is a giant celebration of the absolute worst parts of America.

The Super Bowl is literally the Super Bowl of American media events, and it also helpfully serves as a microcosm of the most embarrassing parts of our culture. So slip on your favorite officially licensed NFL jersey and let’s review why we should all be deeply ashamed of everything the Super Bowl says about our nation.

An Orgy of Terrible Food: The Super Bowl is yet another holiday based around eating unhealthy food, because the Fourth of July, Halloween, and Thanksgiving aren’t enough. America has an unhealthy relationship with food, which the Super Bowl wears like a badge of honor, serving up the country an endless feed trough of buffalo wings, potato skins, and nachos. Are you ready for some football?

Objectification of Women: Cheerlearders! GoDaddy commercials! Despite the fact that 45% of NFL viewers are women, America’s favorite sport makes almost no effort to not be gross in it’s representation of women. Did you hear about those deflated ball? LOL.

The “Awesome” Commercials: If you don’t like football, don’t worry, you can still participate in the reverence of America’s ugliness. The Super Bowl is also the biggest day for advertising, specifically commercials from massive conglomerates that try to convince the country that their life would be better if they just drank more soda and beer. And you thought The Patriots were the Evil Empire!

Glorification of Violence: The Super Bowl is our biggest excuse to be entertained by violence, followed closely by video games, movies, and every other form of American media. Cheering on muscular men hitting each other as hard as they can is a perfect fit for our exceptionally violent culture. But seriously — what will Katy Perry wear at halftime?!

Exploitation of Labor: Nearly every NFL player is forced to endure four years of unpaid labor (college football) before getting a minuscule chance of making the NFL. And even if they hit the athletic lottery and make it to big leagues, they’re rewarded by joining the only major professional sports league that lacks a union for their players, reflecting the larger trend of the decline of American organization labor. Hey, who wants more wings!

Structural Racism: Despite 70% of NFL players are black, only 6% of the coaches are, reflecting the same racial inequalities that exist throughout America’s workforce. Beast Mode®!

Deification of the Military: The NFL has a general hard-on for America’s military, which, let’s face it, has not been the absolute best organization over the last decade. They’ll probably send a bunch of fighter jets flying over the stadium for no reason at all, other than to celebrate that we have the best flying killing machines. Touchdown!

John Trowbridge is a writer/performer you can catch regularly at the UCB Theater in NYC. Check him out on twitter at @johntrowbridge or his website

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