America, you whining, crying babies. All we hear out of you lately is “Whaaa, Donald Trump’s a bad man! He can’t be President! He doesn’t like women! He wants to kiss his daughter!” Well we, the FIFA Congress are here to say, “Shut it.” You are lucky  to have someone as kind, level-headed and intelligent as Donald Trump running for President.


Sepp Blatter’s basically an unfunny Mr. Burns.

You see, FIFA has presidents too. Our last President, Sepp Blatter, is under investigation by the U.S for corruption. That’s right, the last FIFA President was SO BAD that the U.S., a country who doesn’t give a shit about soccer, came for him. Sepp Blatter wakes up and dances to “My Way” by Frank Sinatra. Even Trump would be like, “That’s a bit much.” Naturally, once Sepp was suspended and elections were imminent, we at FIFA were like, we gotta clean up our act! And now it’s looking like the next President of FIFA is gonna be an actual Bahraini sheikh.

Yup, in order to make our organization more fair we’re getting a dude from what is effectively an absolute monarchy to be our elected President. I mean, really, you think Trump sucks? Sheikh Salman has been accused of turning his own athletes over for questioning and torture during the Arab Spring (which his government/family suppressed). Oh right, yeah, torture is a thing Bahrain routinely does. And you guys are concerned that Trump might build a wall at the border? Spare us.


We’re soccer’s big daddies.

“How can this be,” you may ask. “How can these shit-stains be the ones in charge of soccer?” It’s easy! FIFA elections are bullshit. Imagine if only a room full of Donald Trumps were voting to see which Donald Trump would lead the Donald Trumps. That’s basically it. We collect a bunch of rich-ass dudes. That’s our Congress. Then we let those rich-ass dudes say and promise whatever they want to each other. Those rich-ass dudes go vote and from that bubbling cauldron of corruption emerges our President. It’s like a reverse Crucible where anything good gets burned off and what’s left is hot scum.

And, look, you might disagree with all of Trump’s impossible, idiotic proposals. But at least he’s vaguely interested in America — or pretends to be. We’re not even sure the Sheikh likes soccer.

At FIFA , we believe in the same principals of leadership as Americans: only a human monster can ever be president of anything. Whether it’s a soccer federation, a country or student council only megalomaniacal horrors need apply. But even within that strict definition there are shades of gray. On that spectrum, consider FIFA’s presidents gray. Really, really very gray — almost black, really. Next to that, Donald Trump is basically freshly fallen snow. We’d take him in a heartbeat. So stop whining you babies. And, really, just start calling it football.


Images via ShutterstockThe Guardian

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