1. You’re friggin’ pissed:  Nothing else in the world matters more than eating at this point. Which is good, because the resting look on your face tells people, “Don’t talk to me or I’ll eat your chubby toddler. Wait, why isn’t that toddler in school right now? It’s lunchtime on a Tuesday, that little round toddler should be in school.”

Betty White

2. Your Quidditch team practice starts in ten minutes: It’s difficult to pull off a Bludger Backbeat on an empty stomach, everyone knows that. So you stop at the Yoshinoya Beef Bowl down the street before practice, but you get the chicken because it’s nearly impossible to defend a Plumpton Pass while shitting your pants.

Jap Food

3. Donuts: You meant to just stop in and get one. Then you saw that they had a great deal on a dozen day-old donuts so you splurged and copped 13 for six bucks, your mom would be proud of your economic prowess. Now you have to sit and eat them all before they go bad, everyone knows day-old donuts have to be eaten immediately because the longer you wait, the worse they’ll taste. Your mom wouldn’t want you to waste all that sufganiyot (yiddish for jelly donut).

jelly donut

4. You want to prove to yourself that you can do it without looking at your iPhone: Maybe you’ll meet someone? Maybe you’ll engage in deep conversation with your waiter? You won’ You never do. You’ll just get nervous when they ask you if you want more Coke Zero. Why do waiters make you so nervous? Fuck, is that the rest of your Quidditch team walking in? Whatever, who cares if they didn’t invite you. They aren’t even that good and Barry dropped the Snitch during the quarter-finals last year. Fuck you, Barry, you can’t even hold onto the Snitch. Marcus can even hold onto the Snitch and Marcus is the worst! He didn’t even make varsity until senior year of college…then again, he went to Emerson and they have a killer Quidditch program. Maybe you should call your mom and tell her about the deal they’re having on those donuts, it’s her turn to bring pastries to Shabbat. Look at that, you’re using your phone already and you couldn’t even make it through your second Coke Zero.


5. You’re on a Quidditch team to begin with: Stop doing that. You look ridiculous….plus, that broom rash on your inner thigh hasn’t gone away on its own.


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