I know you’ve had some trouble coming up with a good idea for a costume this year, David. The last five Halloweens you’ve been such a success with your clever “Soup to Nuts” idea, consisting of a spoon taped to the crotch of your soup-stained pants. It’s going to be hard to top that kind of wit and sophistication, darling, but I have an idea: why don’t you go as a man?

It’ll be fun. You’ll put on pants without soup stains on them, we’ll go out to a party where you don’t bring a personal supply of grain alcohol and people will just immediately know. “Oh, David,” they’ll say, “I love your costume! You look just like a grown man!” And it’ll be such a laugh. Y’know. You, dressed as something that you’re not.


We could even make it a couple’s costume, if you like. You’ll be an adult man and I’ll be a woman full of something other than regret. I’ll wear a white silk blouse – the kind of thing you’d put on if you didn’t fully expect your husband to drunkenly paw at you with Cheetoh fingers. I’ll make a fun sign that says “THIS MARRIAGE IS BASED ON MATURITY, RESPECT AND SEVERAL SATISFYING SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS PER WEEK,” so we can really play the part. You could even come up with a job to tell people you have! What would you like to be, David? A teacher? An architect? A FIFA 16 & Corn Pops research scientist? Oooh, I bet we could win Janeane’s costume contest if we do this right.  Why don’t you bring a newspaper and pretend to read and understand it?  Do you think the costume shop on 4th avenue sells balls, David? We could buy some balls and stuff them down your pants where your balls would be if you were a man in real life, instead of just on Halloween. People will see those balls and they’ll laugh and laugh and laugh.  I think it’ll be a real hit.

Or we could just go as ghosts. That could be fun.

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