Despite its being totally illegal, this fruit fly won’t stop having sexual intercourse in public places all over the city. Dozens of people have called the police after witnessing the fruit fly engage in full-on penetration, sometimes lasting up to two minutes, with no regard for public decency.

The police have issued the fruit fly multiple tickets and even tried to arrest him for indecent exposure, but he always slips away because the handcuffs they put on him are one thousand sizes too big. Once, a police officer successfully trapped the fruit fly between the palms of his hands and carried him down to the station like that, but as soon as he opened his hands to get the fruit fly’s fingerprints, the fruit fly flew away. Probably to go have more public sex.

As if to cement his lack of respect for society, this fruit fly keeps doing all his fucking on people’s fruit. In the midst of someone’s meal, as they share food with friends, the fruit fly will burst in, find the bowl of fruit in the center of the table, get behind one of his fruit fly sex partners and just start pumping away. It’s so disgusting.

These are places where people have reported being subjected to the fruit fly’s revolting, hyper-sexualized lifestyle:

The supermarket
Garbage cans
Kitchen counters
Old lunch piles
Behind restaurants
Flowers that have gone bad
Soda cans
Tropical fruit plates
Just, all over.

This fruit fly truly doesn’t understand what an appropriate place to have sex is. This situation is offensive, profane, and unsanitary. Thankfully, the fruit fly will be dead in like 20 minutes.

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