Hey man, welcome aboard. We’re super excited you’re joining the team, and I’m sure you’re excited to hear about some of those legendary startup perks. Well, boy oh boy do we have perks. To start, there’s unlimited vacation days, weekly massages, and monthly screenings of totally random movies from 80s! Best of all? Anytime after 5pm, you’re welcome to head over to the beer tap in the kitchen and help yourself to a free debilitating alcohol dependency.

That’s just the kind of laid back vibe we have here. We work hard, play even harder, and make sure our employees feel rewarded by an environment that encourages dangerously regular self-medication through intoxication. If you were used to a boring old corporate job that prohibited employees from drinking on the job because it “creates an enabling workplace culture” or “can lead to sexual harassment”, well, just leave those old-fashioned concerns at the door. We put the priority on fun and nothing is more fun than getting everyone liquored up enough to talk shit about the people they work with.


Oh, you don’t drink? That’s totally cool. There’s ginger ale in the fridge too. Sure, all of our company events will involve alcohol, and it will be the primary way employees bond, form alliances, and eventually move up the company ladder, but you should totally feel comfortable just doing your thing. Bottoms up!

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