I receive many of questions from curious folk about my magic: how do you decide when to use your magic? Why don’t you use your magic more often? Are you just a conjurer of cheap tricks? Here are some helpful hints on when to use magic and when to let your companions handle their problems alone.

• DO use your magic to light pipes and matches.

• DON’T use your magic to light the warning beacons of Gondor.

• DO use your magic to make a cool, white light around you before you head into a bloody battle.

• DON’T use your magic to help in any meaningful way during that bloody battle.

• DO use magic to fight the dreaded Balrog in the depths of Moria

• DON’T use your magic to avoid falling through the earth and having to fight Balrog in the first place.

• DO use your magic to carve a little symbol on Bilbo’s door, alerting dwarves to come eat all his food


• DON’T use your magic to cook dinner for said dinner party. Let them eat all Bilbo’s food.

• DO use your magic to call the eagles when your journey seems hopeless.

• DON’T use your magic to avoid your journey becoming hopeless, thereby saving your dearest friends a whole lot of stress.

• DO use your magic to make killer fireworks.

• DON’T use your magic to make weapons to kill evil.

Follow these guidelines and you’ll be off to a very promising start indeed, young wizard. And in case you were curious, I dictated this article to an owl I taught to write and read. But I delivered it by hand.

Jackie is a writer/actor based in NYC. She performs on Harold Night at the UCB and with her sketch team DR DJ. You can follow her on Twitter @ohhijackie.

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