[Note: On a recent trip home, I discovered an old diary from my sister’s pet Gerbil, Mr. Mitzie. The entries are an interesting insight into gerbils’ natural traits, especially their excessive aggression, territoriality, and conservative nature.]

December 1992

New home. Exhausted myself exploring today – the place is spacious. Better access to my water bowl, good AM light and I can see the TV news from one corner. Got to run around outside, too. Bit someone and was promptly brought back inside. Sorry to cut a fun trip short, but not sorry about biting someone. What did they think would happen? I’m a killing machine in a new place – I have to assert my dominance or else they’ll think I’m weak. Got a quick taste of blood (saltier than I thought) before they slapped me with this collar that’s way too tight. Off to a great start.

January 1993

Whoa! Saw one of my owners naked today and it was absolutely gross. Wish I had closed my eyes quicker.

That clown Clinton took office. Clearly he’s too limp to deal with this Iraqi disarmament crisis. Unlike good ol’ Bush, who wisely fired all those Tomahawks into Baghdad – that’s diplomacy and a strong legacy. Can a pansy Democrat be trusted when Iraq is stepping all over sanctions like this? We’ll see. I’ve got a few explosive ideas on how to deal with it! Ha ha!

February 1993

Got some lettuce today! Wasn’t even browned – this was top quality green! Cruncha cruncha!

YES – ATF finally dropped the hammer on those Waco fuck-os — about damn time if you ask me. Extremists should be dealt with by extreme force. Hell, finish the job you start, I say — my paws are shaking just thinking that there’s a stand off now!

I accidentally shat in my water bowl again.

April 1993

What did I say about Waco!? 76 dead in a fire?! Fucking hell. If we’d just bombed them like I was saying a month ago, we could’ve cut to the chase. Peace through superior firepower.

I’m doubly on edge right now because they let me outside again today – HORRIFYING. There was very tall grass and about a million new sounds. Seriously happy to be back in my space with nothing bothering me. More time to figure out how to get out of this tight FUCKING collar, too.

Nixon died on the 22nd. You can wiretap the angels now, Dicky.

June 1993

Ate a lot of newspaper today. Say what you will about the content but the printed press is still great for chompin’!

More Iraqi aggression! GOD! If I could tip my cage over and escape this DAMN collar, I could take care of this:

[The rest of the page is filled with a drawing of a gerbil flying a plane dropping a bomb down Saddam Hussain’s open mouth. The plane says “Righteous Anger USA” and there’s also a sexy lady gerbil next to the plane.]

November 1993

Good news and bad news this month. The good news: NAFTA’s in place. Free trade and open markets, baby! Finally, we can use our economic muscle to beat some sense into our neighbors. FUCK YEAH USA!

The bad news is that Prez Bubba signed the Brady Act. So now background checks are required for GUN PURCHASES! Maybe the Democrats forgot about the Constitution and are just getting their jollies by strangling the Second Amendment. Or maybe they don’t realize that in the real world, Kumbaya, crisp carrot sticks, and good vibes don’t solve any real problems. These HIPPIES are making me choke on my feed pellets.

God I’m so pissed off. I’m just pacing around here, trying to get loose from this TIGHT FUCKING collar they’ve got me in.


[Note: Mr. Mitzie choked to death on the very same collar mere days after this entry. We found him dead on top of his “Bernadette Castro, Republican for New York Senate ’94” bumper sticker. Castro lost the seat to the incumbent Democrat, Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan.]

James Folta is a writer and performer living in Brooklyn. He resides on the ‘net at www.jamesfolta.com and tweets @JamesFolta.

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