Gigi Hadid, the vice-president of young rich beautifuls, had a casz lil girl’s night in with her BBF’s Taylor Swift, Kendall Jenner et. al. They posted their get-together on Insta.

Screen Shot 2015-11-20 at 3.30.36 PM

Too bad their girl’s night in had nothing on MY girl’s night in. I don’t know for sure what they did but here’s a fair guess:

Everyone shows up in a different helicopter, they talk about how none of them are wearing any makeup, prank call Joe Jonas, play a high stakes poker game in which the prize is who will take Jayden Smith’s virginity and swim in an infinity pool full of milk and rose petals until they sweetly ask the sun to rise and the sun agrees.

Sounds like a pretty cool night. But not half as cool as MY night in!

In attendance at MY hot, exclusive GNI were celeb friends Connie Britton, Oliver Hudson and the dude who plays Gunnar on Nashville. In short, I watched Nashville on Hulu. My delivery showed up around 9 immediately followed by my pizza dude from Peppino’s. As usual Peppino’s gave me a shit ton of plastic silverware, making the assumption that I’m sharing my margharita pie and eggplant parm dinner with a family. LOLs abounded between me and my reflection in the undrained water in my bathtub. You see, my tub is clogged and I’m not splitting with anyone.

gunna abc

This is the guy who plays Gunnar on Nashville. He was at my party. Image via

After 3 solid hours of Nashville I was going for my 4th slice when I thought I saw a mouse skitter across my kitchen floor. I lifted the pizza box high above my head and mumbled “You may take my life but you’ll never take my pizza!” As the grease dripped from the box and into my hair I considered that maybe I hadn’t seen a mouse but instead was too drunk to function. Then I went to bed and slept for 12 hours.

Now you might be like, “How is this a ‘girl’s night’? There were no other girls! You were just alone, eating pizza! And you went to bed with pizza grease in your hair? Why?  Fix your tub and then fix yourself!” I have just one thing to say in response:


So, yeah. I think we all know who had the better night with their #squad. Sorry, Gigi, but the hot young beautifuls have a new VP – moi.

Jackie is a writer/actor whose work has appeared on, Fusion and Funny or Die. She performs every Saturday with GOAT at the UCB Theater in NY. Follow her on Twitter @ohhijackie or in real life if you’re a peeper ‘n’ a creeper.

Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.