The global population of tigers is up 22% to 3,890 from the 2010 estimate of 3,200, despite rigorous abstinence-only tiger education, according to the World Wildlife Fund and the Global Tiger Forum.

The tigers’ mating habits are not only unaffected but exacerbated by the abstinence-only tiger education for which conservative legislators fought tooth and nail. The abstinence-only education clause was attached at the last minute to an otherwise completed economic stimulus package.

Many tigers surveyed have reported that though they are learning abstinence-only sexual education they have found loopholes in the curriculum. They also report that when they do begin to have tiger intercourse they neglect to protect themselves properly since they were never taught how, which puts many of the tigers at risk of disease and unwanted pregnancy.

Tiger Condom Inline

“I didn’t even know what tiger condoms were until I was 7, two years after most tigers reach sexual maturity,” commented Anthony, a tiger in Nepal. “We’re tigers, we only know two things: viciously eating anything we can and doing the nasty. And we need to learn how to do both of those properly and safely.”

Independently and federally funded studies have found that communities with abstinence-only tiger education had just as many partners as those in a control group. Even those tigers that took abstinence pledges or made promises with tiger partners to wait until tiger marriage had similar numbers of sexual partners, and often higher rates of sexually transmitted diseases.

“If only we had access to tiger birth control like tiger condoms or tiger dental dams. Especially a tiger birth control pill. I would eat it up, because I’m a tiger and I eat everything,” commented a tigress who requested anonymity.

The rising tiger population is seen favorably among conservationists and cat enthusiasts. When asked to comment on the reproductive habits, Anthony, who clarified that he goes by Tony, said he thought it was, “GRRREAAATTT!”

Ben Meyerson is a contributor for Above Average and a former birthday party clown. He tweets @ben_meyerson sometimes.


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