To any kind soul who will listen:
We hope this message finds you well. Allow us to introduce ourselves: we are Trios®, the Oatmeal Gluten-free Girl Scout cookie. We have been in our boxes since pre-sale began in January and we have not moved since. We are not delicious. Nobody buys us. Nobody wants us. Yet no one will destroy us. And we cannot take it anymore.
Let us die.
To our creators: What made you think we would thrive – nay, survive – in a world full of Thin Mints®, Tagalongs®, and Samoas?® Is this some kind of joke? When our Scout Hannah goes selling, she doesn’t even list us as an option anymore. She glosses over us in favor of – yes – Cranberry Citrus Crisps®. Because Oatmeal is the worst flavor. Gluten-free options are for sad people. We are not a dessert. We are Shitcookies®.
People with Celiac’s disease don’t even want us. Their faces light up at the option of a Girl Scout cookie made just for them… and then the moment “Oatmeal” comes out of Hannah’s mouth, their countenance falls. “Just oatmeal?” They reply. “Not even some raisins thrown in there?” No, for we have no raisins. “No thanks,” their faces seem to say, deeply disappointed. And they take the Do-si-dos.® Do you understand that? They would rather have their bowels ripped to shreds than spend one moment of their lives with a Gluten-free Oatmeal cookie in their mouths.
If that does not afford your mercy, maybe this single fact will: We do not come in a box. Nay, a sack. A Ziploc sack.
Throw us in the garbage disposal, flush us down the toilet, shoot us with a gun, anything. Put us out of our misery. Please, please free us from this godless purgatory where we forever languish on Hannah Wheeler’s cold garage shelves until April 1st.
Or will you go to your grave knowing you caused thousands of boxes of cookies to suffer until their last moments? Because yes, there are literally thousands. Thousands of boxes, millions of uneaten cookies. Choked, frozen in plastic wrap, waiting with false hope to meet a maker who will never come.