This week, the Pentagon announced that 15 Guantanamo Bay prisoners — some of whom had been held for more than 14 years without being charged with any crime — would settle in the United Arab Emirates. It’s the single largest transfer of Guantanamo detainees to occur during President Barack Obama’s administration, and the Republican congress has lots of questions. Namely, “Wait, do we LIKE Guantanamo or not?”

“Like, I know that generally we support secretive prisons where little oversight or transparency allows for torture and other human rights violations,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to reporters on Monday.

House Speaker Paul Ryan chimed in, “Especially for terror guys!”


“Yes! Thank you,” McConnell continued, “especially for terror guys. And eight years into his presidency, Obama has broken his promise to close Guantanamo. Which… we want to happen? Or not. Either way, we like it when Obama screws up, unless he’s doing something we actually want by keeping Guantanamo open. In that case, he should still get in trouble though.”

“Unless, of course, we DON’T like Guantanamo,” added Mr. Ryan.

Ryan and McConnell then began slowly walking backwards away from the gathered reporters, like they hoped no one would notice.

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