Exclusive interviews with the most important everyday objects.

Last Sunday morning, we had the incredible opportunity to chat with one of our favorite objects: a half full bottle of beer rolling around on the subway. This 40 oz bottle of Budweiser has had a lengthy career, spanning 15 subway stops and dozens of rapt passengers. Let’s find out what makes this object tick.

Above Average (AA): Thanks for sitting down to talk, I wasn’t expecting to run into you this morning.

Bottle of Beer (BoB): Thanks for having me — I love morning encounters! That’s when people seem most angry to see me.

AA: And apologies if it seemed like I was ignoring you at first.

BoB: Oh please, keep ignoring me. It’s best if everyone pretends like I don’t exist — that’s the only way I can spill all over someone’s shoes or purse. The last thing I want is someone taking the proactive approach and throwing me out at the next stop. I rely on people to be selfish and lazy, which has historically worked 100% of the time.

AA: The interesting thing is I found myself following your every move while trying to act like I wasn’t.

BoB: Yes, that’s where the selfish part comes in. People love to watch and even secretly hope someone else gets splashed. But if they get caught looking, there’s a pang of shame that they’re not doing anything about it. But just a pang — ultimately it’s everyone for themselves on the subway.

AA: You’ve been unattended on this subway car for 15 stops now. Does it get old?

BoB: Well, the thing is I love to roll. Nothing makes me happier than spinning and sputtering down the floor, occasionally darting in sudden, unexpected directions. I was born round, born to roll, and just happy to have the opportunity — couldn’t have done it without that forgetful bro paperbaggin’ it at West 4th Street.

AA: Before the interview, you asked me to stress to our readers that you’re half full — and that made a difference. Why?

BoB: If I’m completely full, the party is over too quick. It’s a river of beer, spreading like a sticky plague and everyone scrambles. My moment is over almost immediately. Half full creates a mix of surprise and terror that can sustain people’s attention for many, many stops. It’s all about pacing.

AA: Favorite films?

BoB: Fast Five, Muppets Take Manhattan, and Blade Runner. In that order.

AA: Any final words?

BoB: More people should leave half a beer on the subway! People apparently have no problem littering almost everywhere, but a rolling bottle of beer on the subway is still a novelty. Every half full bottle of beer should have the same opportunity that I did.

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