Hey, guys! It’s me, Heathcliff. You know me. I’m the chubby orange cat who has one prominent tooth, drinks a lot of milk, has a girlfriend named Sonja, and is always knocking over garbage cans. Want to know something else about me? I love lasagna.
There. I said it.
I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Wait, Heathcliff? Doesn’t Garfield love lasagna?” Yes. Yes, he does. But, guess what? Garfield doesn’t fucking OWN loving lasagna.
I have loved lasagna for years but I’ve been too much of a scaredy cat to admit it. Because, any time I do anything even remotely similar to Garfield, people are always jumping on my dick. A while back, I just happened to mention that I don’t like Mondays. Why? Because of course I don’t like Mondays! NO ONE likes Mondays! I bet the people I was talking to don’t like Mondays! But did that matter to them? Fuck no! I got a goddamn lecture about how I shouldn’t be jealous of Garfield’s success and I should just do my own thing.
Do my own thing? Why doesn’t Garfield do his own fucking thing? Why does Garfield have the full, unquestioned rights to hating Mondays, fighting with dogs, and BEING ORANGE?! Orange is MY fur color! I can’t change that! And, you know what? I had it first!
Yeah! I bet you didn’t know that! I first hit the scene in 1973. That lazy asshole didn’t see a drop of newspaper ink until all the way in 1978! But does anyone think he’s the rip off? Absolutely not! They think, just because he had a cartoon series, that he came first. Well, guess what, dickholes?! I had two cartoon series and they both premiered before his show! And I was voiced by Mel fucking Blank! That’s the voice of Bugs Bunny, motherfuckers!
But, despite all that, I still can’t eat lasagna. When I take my main lady Sonja out to dinner at an Italian restaurant, I have to order fish, just like I always do. Because I know that, were I to even think of ordering some delicious lasagna, that it’d be an international fucking incident.
What am I supposed to do? The public has spoken. Most of them only have room for one fat orange cat in their hearts. So, my lasagna love will continue to be a secret and I’ll just go back to my simple life: annoying Mr. Nutmeg, tricking Spike the bulldog, sharing cat facts in my Kitty Korner panel, and pretending I’m a World War I flying ace in a aerial battle with the Red Baron.
Oh, yeah. I also pretend to fight the Red Baron. That’s a whole other fucking thing.
Jon Bershad is a New York-based writer and comedian who you can see at the UCB Theatre, follow at @jonbershad, and stalk at jonbershad.com.