If you are reading this, please send help!

I am being held hostage against my will in my family’s holiday group chat. I can’t go to the bathroom, eat, sleep, or communicate with the outside world. It started out small, just a simple text from mom saying, “What should we get grandma for Christmas”, and then, all hell broke loose. Soon everyone was adding their input and numbers I didn’t recognize, even weird Uncle Carl, were texting suggestions. I left my phone down for .05 seconds and had over 227 notifications.  I tried to catch up with the messages, while keeping up with their new texts, but I wasn’t strong enough for their mind games.

Group Text Inline Image_1

After the second hour, I tried to negotiate and rationalize with them, but it just made things worse. After the 5th hour, I tried to escape, but they just laughed, and added me back in!  I am trying to regain my composure, but it’s too hard. Now, no one is even focusing on Grandma’s gift and instead, are just sharing dog photos and bit-emojis! The emotional torture alone is making me want to throw my phone, but I work in a hospital and need to be reachable, so I can’t turn it off! My parents who barely know how to e-mail are attacking this in full force, feeling over confident, and “hip, cool, and connected.” Right now two people in the chat are just talking to each other, and another chat has been made just to talk about the first group chat!  Some people are texting the wrong chats and others are torturing me by just saying inside jokes non-stop! Why would you ever text a group a picture of a slug as an inside joke?! That’s not even funny! I am lost, confused, alone and can’t bear it much longer.

My phone is on 3%, and you are my last option, please send reinforcements. I am trying to stay physically active and alert, but it is hard to do anything with your phone constantly going off I can’t even dial 9-1-

*notification goes off.

Jessica is a UCB trained writer and performer. Her writing can be seen on Above Average, Reductress, Funny or Die, her parents fridge and @notjesshopkins. She is a trained neuroscientist who recently has dropped a human head on a NYC street.

Get Laughs in Your Inbox From Above Average!
We PROMISE to only send you funny stuff.