Monday night on Dancing With the Stars Bindi Irwin performed another tribute to her dad, crocodile hunter Steve Irwin. Here’s that tribute:
And here’s her first tribute:
Now I don’t know much about dancing but one thing is clear: ABC loves making this girl do tributes to her dad who got killed by a stingray. So, to all the fat cat execs over at the American Broadcasting Company: My whole family was killed by stingrays, can I be on DWTS?
Now maybe you’re like, “People loved Steve Irwin. No one knows you or your family at all.” But hear me out! My sob story is so good Bruno, Julianne and the rest of America will be eating out of the palm of my hand.
For my 12th birthday my whole family headed to SeaWhirled, an ocean-themed action park in Tampa that is no way affiliated with SeaWorld. My step-mom got real lit and jumped in The Tank of Fears, an opaque tank full of stingrays and baby sharks. Normally stingrays don’t attack humans but Kandice really went out of her way to physically and verbally taunt the beasts. She was stung by a ray named Jabberwocky and later died, mostly of alcohol poisoning. But doctors said the sting didn’t help.
The rest of my family’s deaths are just as sad. Oh, did I not make that clear? Yes, my whole family was killed in different stingray attacks. Can you say ‘ratings gold’?
Above are the stringrays that got my brothers Kyle and Chip. We were vacationing on St. Amanda’s, a little known U.S. Virgin Island, when Kyle spotted a swarm of about 50 massive stingrays. Chip was like, “Kyle, lets set off a firecracker underwater and see what the stingrays do.” And me and dad were all, “Guys, that doesn’t seem like a good idea. Remember when Kandice (my step-mom) was killed by stingrays?” And Chip was like, “I vaguely remember that but wasn’t it jellyfish?’ And dad and I were like, ‘Kyle, no , it was stingrays. Plus how are you going to light a firecracker underwater?”
They never did figure out how to light those firecrackers from underwater but you better believe they made those stingrays real mad. Oh, and my dad died eating some undercooked stingray from a hot bar in Times Square.
So, ABC, if girls with families killed in stingray attacks is what drags in ratings for you, I’m your girl. Contact me at email@example.com.