Congratulations, Buzzfeed. Your post last week about how “insanely hot” the guy who voiced the character Arnold from Hey Arnold! really blew up the internet. I guess lots of people saw the instagram pictures of voice actor Lane Toran and thought “Oh good. I can finally do what I’ve been itching to do for 19 years: jerk off to Arnold from the cartoon Hey Arnold!

Nice try, Buzzfeed. But I’m not like the horny, wooly sheep of the world wide web – I’ve been jerking it to Arnold for years. I don’t need some bearded, tatted-up, Red Wing-wearing barista with a bandana tucked into the back pocket of his human jeans. I’ve been slippin’ and slidin’ to 9 year-old cartoon Arnold’s pierogi-shaped head since I first laid eyes on him during a feverish Nickelodeon binge in 1996.

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Look at that shoulder JESUS I wish I was Helga!! (Photo credit: fanpop.com)

Oh I suppose getting sexually excited by a 33 year-old man with icy blue eyes is more “expected” or “normal” or “indicative of a less disturbing sexual preference” than say, I don’t know, enjoying multiple orgasms fueled by the fantasy of Arnold’s tiny hat dangling from one of your nipples as he uses his trusty flashlight to track down every last square inch of pleasure on your clitoris? Well if that’s sexually unconventional then consider me Picasso.

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Mehhh. (Photo credit: @lanetoran, Twitter.com)

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Those blond hairs, split just so down the middle, creating a veritable fountain of yellow…the inexplicable tiny little limbs, bouncing earnestly down a dark street…the jazzy horns and cool guitar riffs of the theme song…Arnold and Gerald sliding around a muddy baseball field…that’s all I need for a marathon beat-box session ‘till the sun comes up or I’ve rubbed myself raw – whichever comes first.

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Oh yeah. Take that sweater the F off. (Credit: giphy.com)

Hey, Arnold. Hey Arnold! Hey Arnold, Hey Arnold, Hey Arnold, Hey Arnold, HEY Arrrrrrrrrrrrnoooooooold!!!

So, Buzzfeed, you can keep your Lane Torans, Philip Van Dykes, Spencer Kleins and Alex Linz…s  – all the adult, three dimensional men who voiced Arnold over five, erotic seasons. I’ll be over here, pleasuring myself to the sexiest man in Hillwood: Arnold.

Wait, what’s his last name?

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