Hey, nation of Colombia, this is so random but I heard that last week you guys found a sunken Spanish galleon laden with over a £1 billion of gold. Crazy enough, about a week ago, I actually lost my treasure laden Spanish galleon right off your coast. So I’m, like, 99% sure that treasure ship you found is mine. Ugh, thank you so so much for finding it. I’ll just go ahead and take it back to –

Oh, could I describe it? Sure, yeah. It’s a galleon so, like, a pretty big wooden boat. It’s very messed up, lots of rot and water damage. But I had it built that way, rotted out and covered in algae. Right, it’s actually not rotted from being at the bottom of the sea for 300 years. Nah, I had it made that way. It’s a piece of shit. So chronologically everything makes sense.


This is what my galleon looked like and then I was like “Yes but mess it up, vintage is in” That’s why it looks so old. Image via Wiki.

What else… oh, like I said, there’s a ton of gold on it. I’d estimate I had over £1 billion worth of gold squirreled away in there. That’s what made me realize the boat was mine. When I saw news reports and they were like “There’s over £1 billion of gold on this sunken ship” I was like “Wait, I just lost a Spanish galleon with the exact same approximate amount of gold on it.” Oh and there’s also some jewels in jars and stuff.  So just point me to where you’re keeping it and –

How did I lose a Spanish galleon full of gold and jewels? Um, so, it’s crazy – I was swimming off the coast of Colombia and had my Spanish galleon tied to my wrist like a boogie board. And this very gnarly wave rolled me and I got unattached from my galleon and it sort of drifted away and sank. I just assumed it was gone, you know? Who’s gonna find a sunken Spanish galleon in the middle of the ocean? But then you guys found it and I’m so grateful. I’ll just take it and –

You know what, I actually don’t have any ID on me. And you won’t just release the galleon to me without some ID? Hm, ok. Well then I guess I’ll have to come back. Keep her safe for me. Gracias!

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