Look, we all know that you derive your energy from human fear, like a plant with sunlight. You live in a system of caves and tunnels beneath terra firma, eating gold which gives you the power to shapeshift and travel between dimensions. Every world leader is but a holographic veil disguising a member of your master Reptilian bloodline. The entire human race is a breeding program, our reality is just a simulation within a simulation being broadcast from the moon, and you — the global elite — will stop at nothing until all of humanity is enslaved by microchip technology. We get it. But guys? You have gotta do something about Trump.

Any time you wanna do something about Trump would be great. The GOP is failing, the DNC is failing. It’s up to you now. You guys have gotta unzip your human skin suits and deal with this dude before things get out of hand. Your slaves are counting on you to preserve the status quo!


This is my God, as you have taught me. Trump craves only power!


Even if the installation of Trump as president is part of the plan to escalate human misery and conflict between race… the guy’s a goddamn cowboy. A loose cannon. You’ll never be able to control him as you have all of humanity since time immemorial. It seems to me that a key component of the New World Order is “order” — something you’ll never get with Donald. Have you forgotten that Hillary Clinton is still in this thing? Now there’s a candidate that says “mass microchip implant program.”

You don’t even have to kill Trump, just his campaign. I’m sure you’ve got some sort of poverty ray, or a gas that that’ll make him kiss a boy on television or something. That’d do just fine.

I admit I’m only assuming that Trump is not a lizard person himself, but honestly he just doesn’t seem smart enough to be one of you? Being a lizard person requires tact, grace, and a certain low-key vibe in order to infiltrate the upper echelon of Earth’s governments and financial institutions. If Trump were a lizard person, he’d probably shoot his mouth off about secret Reptilian stuff all the time, cavalierly blinking his second set of eyelids on television and whatnot. Again, this is not to say that Trump is not a pawn in some greater game of yours, but guys… c’mon. Trump sucks so, so bad.


If Trump was Reptilian he would literally walk around with this shit showing.


It’s all well and good that Jewish socialist Bernie Sanders won Colorado (home to your secret lair beneath Denver International Airport) on Super Tuesday, but there’s a whole country out here in desperate need of a reliable Reptilian leader to dominate us. A friendly puppet, at least! I thought political sabotage and disappearing people was sort of your guys’ whole thing, no? You’ve stolen elections before. Heck, you’ve had a green finger in every terrorist attack and global conflict since the beginning of time. If anybody can stop Trump, it’s you: the decedents of the Anunnaki race from the constellation Draco.

Don’t let such a critical election slip through your talons, Reptilians. America is used to lizards in the White House, and America needs a lizard in the White House again.

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