Holy smokes, Woody Allen- you just cast Miley Cyrus as the star of your upcoming series for Amazon Studios? Take a number, dog: there’s only room for so many creepy old men in Miley’s life, we- Wanye, Billy, Robin, and Terry- were here first.

It’s a tough break, Woody, but she just doesn’t need you right now. You’d basically be Snow White’s eighth dwarf, if instead of dwarves Snow White lived with a bunch of old men whose creative output is fixated on petite blond women in their early 20’s. Miley’s got that quota filled, Woody. True, she doesn’t have a filmmaker amongst her collection of weathered old pervs, but somewhere between frequently working with lecherous photographer Terry Richardson (27 years her senior) and doing drugs with Wayne Coyne of The Flaming Lips (32 years her senior), your perspective is already well represented in her creative circle. Seat’s taken, dude.


What boundaryless adult male couldn’t relate to this young woman?

Look, we understand that Scarlett Johansson has aged out usefulness to you, and that as Emma Stone fossilizes into her third decade on this Earth it is your prerogative as an artist to find all new young, blond ingenues to act out your stories exploring the foibles and anxieties of love in this crazy modern age. We get it! And though it is so generous of you to think of Miley Cyrus to play the crazy young girl inevitably finding solace in the arms of an older man in your boner movie, Miley already has plenty of icky old guys feeding off her youthful exuberance in order to create our icky art. Have you reached out to Abigail Breslin? She’s four years younger than Miley!

Maybe Miley identifies as poly-creepy, and is totally game to manage the miasma of soft-dick olds forever orbiting her and her career. If that’s the case, then you’ll be in good company as you embark on this Amazon project together. But until you know for sure, Woody, you’re probably better off chilling at home with your daughter-wife. Remember those Vanity Fair pictures she took with her dad? Miley already has her creeps: us!

Keep pervin’, brother,
❤ ☺ ☮ Wanye, Billy, Robin, and Terry

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