Debbie, you really fucked up. I’m not gonna lie I am super, super mad right now but I am taking deep breaths and counting to ten. Honestly, I cannot believe you were stupid enough to give those Sanders supporters exactly what they wanted but hey – people let you down sometimes, that is one thing I have learned in this life. But I am not going to let your bullshit ruin the day that I have been planning for since I was a little girl.
Oh my god don’t cry. Stop, seriously, you look like shit. I can’t have anyone on my staff looking like shit. Yessss, you’re on my staff now. Why? Because I fucking love you, okay Debbie?? Because you are my girl, you held me down through this whole primary you have always had my back and honestly I would step in front of a bus for you. Remember that song, The Rose, we used to sing at camp? “I say love it is a flower / And you it’s only seed.” I hope you still have the friendship bracelet I made for you because I still have mine.
What’s the position? I’m making you honorary chair of my campaign’s 50-state program to gain ground and elect Democrats in every part of the country. Yeah, it’s totally a real thing. It’s like, a super important job, Debbie. What will your role be if I get elected? So I think there are just a lot of moving parts with that? And that’s something we can revisit? We should check-in and sort of touch base post-inauguration?
But today you are still my DNC Chair, okay? You can step down after the convention, but right now I need you to clean yourself up and put a smile on your face. I cannot imagine officially getting this nomination without you standing up there with me. Ughh now I’m crying!! Stopstopstop. Okay, let’s go rock this convention girl! Here, Jack shots – UGHHHH-WOOOH! – that was intense.
Oh, I told Bernie Sanders you would do one dance with him tonight to show everything is cool. I know it’s bullshit but just – don’t throw up on him, okay? Because he’s like a hundred and it would probably kill him hahahahahaha I know, he’s the worst. I love you, DWS.