Of all the lying, despicable criminals who are currently running for president, Hillary Clinton is the one I feel most comfortable voting into the most powerful office in the world. It’s a tough decision: almost all the candidates are the most duplicitous, nasty, immoral sharks around, but out of all of them, Hillary Clinton’s cold, calculating hands put me most at ease.
As secretary of state, did Hillary help conceptualize and execute a foreign policy that readily included murdering innocent people? Of course. Has she nodded solemnly and wordlessly to approve the cold-blooded execution of somebody’s mother? I think so. Has she driven a little drunk? Probly. Has she, maybe, been so drunk she drove someone off the road or hit a “deer”? Maybe. We’ll never know, because Hillary is that good. She’s a pro, and that’s why she deserves this job.
When she ran for president back in 2008, she got close. Do you know what it takes to get that close? It takes saying “yes” to about three hundred questions that would make you shit your pants. “Should we take money from this accused child molester?” Yes. “Should we ruin this person’s life?” Yes. “Should we purchase more boiled wool, funnel-neck tunics from Eileen Fisher than any menopausal woman in the history of the world?” Yes.
Do you like Bernie Sanders? Feel The Bern? Brooklyn For Bernie? I get it. Bernie Sanders says and stands for all the things my dream candidate would stand for. He’s an out socialist. It’s fabulous. But can you see that sloppy scoop of whitefish-salad-on-rye texting with his sunglasses on while cruising on a C-17 military plane? Of course not. Do you know why? Because Bernie is not a lying criminal. Bernie is pure, true, earnest and unsuperficial – he looks like a soggy beach towel. Bernie has never said “yes” to any of those questions and that’s why I don’t trust that old fool.
So let’s stop this, please. Let’s give our college dorm rooms one last look before walking off into the world of grownups, where people crush each other’s windpipes to pass health care bills. Where people suck dick to get a lie printed in the Washington Post. We need a deeply disturbed bitch who went dark years ago and has never looked back.
Or I guess there’s also Martin O’Malley. Haha, jk.