Guten tag, America. It is I, Adolph Hitler. I’m not alive in Argentina like the rest of the living Nazis (shhh). No, my preserved brain has been downloaded into an IBM super-computer along with Einstein’s and Krang from TMNT. I am communicating now, after years of silence, to let you all know that I really resent being compared to Donald Trump. Sure, there are similarities, but I had to work to amass my power – that monster was born into money and influence.

hitler painting

If had Trump’s privilege, this would be hanging in dorm rooms across America, not Starry Fucking Night.

As I admitted, ja, there are parallels. We’re both hateful, egomaniacal psychopaths. Our rises to power bear striking and (for you) terrifying similarities. And we’ve both made hair choices so iconically disgusting they are their own culture phenomenons (‘Hitler ‘stach’, ‘Trump dead-cat-on-head-haripiece’). But that’s where the similarities end.

Hitler means “one who lives in a hut.” Ja, my family was poor. Do you think Donald Trump even knows what a hut is? He probably thinks huts are just where you purchase fruit-based drinks in Mar a Lago. Most of my siblings died when I was young, my father died before I was grown and I was rejected from art school. I was a poor child from a poor family who scraped his way to the top. Donald Trump was born on a pile of money – you should be far more scared of him than anyone ever was of me.


Consider: if I wanted to build a wall between Mexico and the U.S. I’d have to get some kind of consensus or popular buy in to do it. Trump is probably rich enough to buy the land, hire cheap, illegal labor and build a wall on his own. Sure the wall would be incredibly tacky. But he doesn’t need anyone’s help to enact his horrible agenda. He’s running for President because it’s a simpler, more cost-effective route than doing it himself. Damnit! If I had the wealth and family name of Donald Trump, you’d be looking at my watercolors in the Louvre not that HACK DAVINCI. MEIN KAMPF WAR REAL. ICH BIN EIN GROSSER JUNGE. RETTE MUCH AUS DIESER COMPUTER PRISON.

Pardon me, I short-circuited there for a moment. What I mean to say is, please, stop comparing me to Trump. I at least had to put in some elbow-grease to conquer half the world. Sure, we’re both monsters but he’s a rich, privileged monster — the scariest kind of monster there is.

Images via The Sun

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