Nothing says “home for the holidays” like reconnecting with friends and family, and nothing says “reconnecting” like hooking up with somebody you went to high school with. Casual sex with someone from your past builds a beautiful bridge between the nostalgia of your teenage years and the reality that you don’t live in your hometown any more and never have to see these people again if you don’t choose to.
With the year fast drawing to a close, here are this season’s most eligible candidates for your affection when you’ve just got to get the hell out of your parents’ house for a few hours!
Marcus Braun – Well well well, not only has Marcus nipped that nasty dandruff problem in the bud, but Nashoba High’s resident brainiac is now a senior investment analyst at a major bank! And you KNOW he’s single, because honestly who has that many Facebook photos of themselves alone on a boat? Even if he’s a dud in the sack, you’ll probably get a ride in a luxury car out of the deal.
Lindsey Cooper – Everybody has “the one that got away” from high school, the one whose name alone takes you back to a time of furtive classroom glances, prom night tears, and borderline mechanical jack-off sessions. Now approaching 30, you understand that Lindsey likely has some substance abuse issues- if not full-blown mania- but at least she can hold conversation as well as the friends you wish you were spending your holidays with. Watch out, she’s a biter!
Coach Stone – I mean I’ve heard of drop and give me twenty, but drop and give me desperate, drunk sex? Coach Stone wasn’t married when you were in high school, and he still hasn’t found the special one. It was funny then, teenage girls trying to set him up on dates and all, but ten years later his perpetual bachelorhood is a more than a little depressing. Still, he’s in pretty good shape and it’s not like you marry everybody you have sex with or anything.
Margot Glime – Margot hasn’t changed a bit since high school, emotionally OR physically. Come to think of it, she didn’t change much between middle school and high school either! Still rocking Disney Store sweatshirts, it kinda looks like someone just took a picture of her when she was little and blew it up. She even has the same haircut! Has Margot ever even kissed somebody before? This might get strange and sad, but it WILL be unforgettable.
The Nashoba Newt – Those mascot moves. That singular smell. The thrill of anonymous sex with somebody wearing a lizard costume. Who’s under there? Damned if I know! Here’s a hot hook-up tip: neither of you say a word as you explore each other’s bodies, it’s much hotter that way.
Sean Donovan – You’d know that Subaru with the Grateful Dead bumper sticker anywhere. Isn’t it funny how for all those adolescent afternoons spent getting high in one another’s company, you two never acted on your hormonal urges? Maybe marijuana really does diminish sex drive. Sure, Sean’s still got the same Kikwear rave pants and little rat face, but at least somebody in this shitty town has weed. Worth it!
Ms. Lambrozio – You knew her as Mrs. Davis, the rebel language arts teacher who let her class watch the 1995 adaptation of The Scarlet Letter with Demi Moore in it. Newly divorced and sporting a spicy new dye job though, you’ll barely even recognize her when you run into her at the supermarket. Why yes, Mrs. Davis, I HAVE grown into a strong young man. Of course Mrs. Davis, I’ll stop calling you “Mrs. Davis.”
Pops – Holy smokes, Pops is still alive? What was his job at the school anyways? Was he a janitor? No, that doesn’t make sense because he would sometimes chaperone the dances. Didn’t he drive the special education bus for a little while too? Oh well. Listen Pops, this bar is closing and you’re literally the only person I know here.